“To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom.” – Socrates

I am not sure what this will become. I do know what I would like my legacy to be. I want to figure out what my purpose is. I want to find and shine my authentic light into the world. I want to help people, that is why I became a nurse. I want my legacy to be one of change and difference in the world, even if only for a small few.

You and I are going on a journey. This journey will be one of self-discovery and purpose. I am hoping my journey will inspire your journey and so on and so forth. Be the change, right? I am going to treat this blog as if it is my own personal journal. You and I are going to spend time together daily. You will know my daily thoughts, my struggles, my wins and my losses. Vulnerability leads to growth and will force me to be accountable to my goals.

Goals

1. Continue putting in the work to find my light, my purpose.
2. Finish my book.
3. Create and maintain stability within my personal life.
4. Finish with my master’s degree.

I always have great advice to give, but rarely follow it when it comes to my life. I mute myself and my feelings, particularly in my relationships. Knowing thyself, for me, means that I learn my worth and then set boundaries to be able to maintain my value. Let’s start there.

I am originally from the Caribbean, although, I was raised here in the United States. Growing up here proved to be a test of wills because of my foreign accent and of my features. I did not truly fit into any of the demographics of the small town my parents chose to settle. I was made to feel like an alien, literally. Instead of using this adversity to strengthen me, I buried myself in it and became quiet and passive. I was bullied and intimidated. This is the foundation in which I am based on.

But this is not the end of my story and does not fall in line with my purpose. In that community, we were one of the first Caribbean families to settle in the small college town. Fitting in, as myself, was almost impossible. Caribbean at home and poorly attempting to be what I thought was American in public. I was not ashamed of being Caribbean, but it was not the most popular or understood culture when you are trying your best just to fit in as a middle schooler and then a high schooler. I was failing at it. I was crying daily, I was depressed, I was suicidal, I was hiding my feelings with food, yet I was physically, underweight and small framed.

High school was no different, except, now boys were added to the mix. Having a boyfriend in high school did not proof to be a benefit to me, since I did not love myself and was constantly trying to seek love, validation, and self-acceptance from friends and my relationships. Hindsight is always 20/20. This would be one of the things that proves to be one of my biggest constant challenges as a young adult.

I settled down young and started my family within 3 years of meeting my first husband. He was older than me, so I allowed him to control the relationship, including myself, my value, how I dressed, how I dealt with daily life, how to care for our children and basically all aspects of our lives together. I became a ghost, invisible. I was 18 when we met and at 21, we began to grow our family. I quickly jumped from teenager to wife and mom, without any life skills or knowledge of how to do these roles effectively. I constantly felt criticized, unhappy, not enough. How I felt and my daily struggles felt invalid.

I was drowning in the mundane of daily life with no purpose. Being a wife and a mom should have been the greatest roles that I had the honor of taking, but with no direction, no concept of self-worth and no voice, I was ill fitted for the role and struggled daily to be the best me, I could be for the sake of my relationship and my young children. I often felt like an imposter who was just going on day by day with clothes on that felt as if they belonged to someone else. It was not a good feeling and I hope that you are not in the same boat, but if you are, its ok. You are not stuck. You matter and it WILL get better.

The takeaway from today that I want to leave you with:

1. You are enough.
2. Your feelings are valid.
3. You are the doing your best in the period you are in.
4. Keep going.